My Life, Your Inspiration.

Saturday, May 23, 2020

Not In Public

Prior to these incidents I had a friend who always complained about her boyfriends actions and words in public compared to his actions and words in private.  I always thought she was just being dramatic. I never understood why someone would treat you differently when people were around vs. when people weren't around. I didn’t understand that until it happened to me.

I think he liked my personality more than anything. This was a routine. We talked every morning, during his lunch break he called, during my lunch break I called, as we drove home from work we talked, when we got home we did our thing and, before bed......we said our goodbyes. I had the key to his place so when he wasn’t home, I would show up and cook. I would clean and, wait for him to get home. When I wasn’t around he would tell me “Come over I miss you.” When we were together  all we did was laugh! We would dance in front of the TV. We were soooo comfortable around each other.  I had been with guys in the past who never made me comfortable enough to just BE ME! He did! I could laugh loud like I usually do! I could dance with the little rhythm that I have. I could share my dry humor jokes. I could give and receive the affection that I desired. He would thank me for letting him be THE REAL HIM at all times. Things were always good.....behind closed doors.

So this is where it got interesting. One Saturday I was at his house chillin when a few of his homeboys popped up. They knew WHO I was, I’m just not sure if they knew WHAT I was too him. When they walked in, he went from my couch to the other couch. I thought nothing of it. I went from “Babe” to “Carina”. Every time one of his friends asked me a question about us, he would change the subject before I could even answer. I thought nothing of it. When his friends left, I left as well .

The next day we were scheduled to attend a mutual friends BBQ. I arrived first and a few minutes later he popped up. I was siting at a bench with my sisters and friends when he came to greet us. He gave everyone a regular hug but, gave me a church hug. He laughed with everyone else but, kept his responses to me very brief. At some point I went to stand next to him and........he walked away. This is where I started getting upset but, it only got worse.

Though I was always comfortable with him, I didn’t (and still don’t) like confrontation so I tried avoid conversations that may lead to it. That night when we spoke on the phone I wanted to ask him why he treated me like that but, he found away to distract me and before I knew it we said goodnight and my questions were never answered.

About two weeks later we attended another event and I honestly thought things were going to be better. We laughed, drank and, somehow even ended up wearing familiar outfits. All was good until it was time for him to leave. His friend asked me to make him a to-go late so the woman in me thought “Hey let me make him a plate as well” so I did. As I brought the plate to him, I could see the rage  rising in his eyes. I said “This ones for you!” his response is how I knew! I knew that he was telling people something completely different from what he was telling me. He said “Why would you make me a plate? Did I ask you for one? Stop acting like you're my girl.” and refused to take my plate.

That night I finally talked to him about how he treats me in public and his response was “I don’t like people in my business so that’s why I have to treat you that way so no one thinks we’re together!” I said okay and, never brought it up again. 

Word on the street later on was “She wants me, I don’t want her. We’re just friends, I don’t know what she thinks we are!”

Here’s What I Learned From This Experience:

.If you can’t talk to me in public, don’t talk to me private.
. What you allow is what will continue.
. Some people can’t talk to you public because the people who they bashed you too.... are watching.
.If you let them disrespect you once, they’ll be okay with disrespecting you twice.
.There's a fine line between being private and being ashamed.
. Anyone who doesn’t find joy in showing you off, won’t!
. Be with someone, be friends with people who are PROUD TO HAVE YOU!


Wednesday, May 6, 2020

The First Attempt

If you read my previous blog "I'm Fighting" I talk about the day "I" thought I lost my virginity. Growing up I was always told that "If you don't bleed, that means you're still a virgin!" so I lived by that. 

Here's how it really happened. The First Attempt.

I was already 14 and Rose was throwing a party for her 14th birthday party so of course I was invited! We were friends..... really good friends. We also had another mutual friend named Sunshine. At the party Sunshine and I were sitting in Rose's room watching guest make their way in. Anxious to see who was cute and who wasn’t. We both saw him but, I guess when he came in....he only saw her. I was okay with it because he honestly was cute but, not really my type. He was Rose's cousin. The whole night he and Sunshine talked and she told me they exchanged numbers. I was honestly happy for her because she was an introvert so sometimes trying to get her out of her shell felt like a full time job. They seemed to have really kicked it off that night and, I really felt like she deserved it. A few days went by and I asked her how they were doing and she replied "Girl I don't want to talk about it. Let's pretend we never met him!" I didn't think too much into it and, left it alone. I wondered what had happened but, I knew she was done talking about it. That following Sunday after church I was at home pretending to worship GOD in the mirror (honestly, I just wanted to see what I looked like when I was singing and dancing at church) then suddenly the doorbell rang and, that's where it all started.

I opened the door and it was him. The guy from Rose's party, Sunshine's man! Let's call him......Landon. I had no idea what he was doing at my house. He told me that he had seen an old comment posted by me on Rose's Myspace page from her birthday party. From what I remember the comment said something about him being fine and all that.  My guess is that he figured I was interested because of it. I automatically knew that he just wanted to have fun while he was in town but, I looked past that and decided heck why not! I figured Sunshine wouldn’t mind since she insisted on not wanted him nor talking about him anymore.  And crazy thing is, the girl code didn't even cross my mind (ladies you know that girl code!)

That entire day we talked while walking around the neighborhood. I felt so special because he was holding my hand and actually pretended like he wanted to get to know me. The rest of the day was magical and he kissed me goodnight. Ya'll know ya girl didn't sleep that night. It felt like a movie. I was smiling from ear to ear all night. It was a national holiday that following day so school was canceled so decided to spend another day together. He was staying at Rose's house so I made my way there. As we laid on Rose's bed for hours and laughed at each others joke's, I couldn't help but wonder where this was headed but , I decided to enjoy the moment. A few minutes later, Rose's little brother walked into the room where we were to inform Landon that there was a girl here for him. He got all excited and told me “Don’t get mad but this girl has been wanting to sleep with me for awhile and I told her that when I see her, she better make it happen. So I'm going to go ahead and smash her in the closet, but it's nothing. I don’t want her, she doesn’t want me, we just want to smash!” I didn't know what to say so I just said “Okay”. A few minutes later this girl walked into the room with a smile on her face as she greeted me with a "Hello". Landon got out of the bed where he was laying with me and said “I’ll be right back”. He made his way to the bedroom closet as I sat there and listened.  I didn’t know what to think. I did not want to ruin the opportunity of possibly having a man(per usual) so I just pretended that I was okay with it because I knew that he was coming back to me when he was done anyways. When they were done he came back, sat next to me and, we continued on with our conversation. He gave me his number and told me to call him.

I didn’t want to come on too strong so I decided that I would wait a few days before giving him a call. That following Friday I called and we talked all night. We laughed and got to know each other for some others then suddenly, things started getting kind of weird. He started asking me questions about certain things he had heard about me. I assumed that Rose expressed my desire for sex to him. The first thing that came to my mind was “oh my gosh maybe it was time for me to finally have sex!” So I started telling him things from what I had seen and heard from movies and the chat lines pretending like I had done all these things when I really hadn’t! I told him that I was experienced in oral sex but I was still a virgin (FYI I was not experienced in ANYTHING at this point! I was 14!). I guess me being a virgin excited him and, he said he would never make me do anything that I didn’t want to do. I was excited because he actually seemed to be interested in me. It felt good…. it felt really good! The next day we talked again and he was such in a good mood. He started the conversation with “Guess what I did today?” and I replied “What?” he said “I went out and pulled me a female today!” I was silent. It didn’t understand why he was telling me that. I thought we were talking. I told him “Why would you tell me that?” he quickly responded “Why wouldn’t I?” then he paused and out of the blue he said “Oh you know I can’t be your boyfriend right?” I didn’t reply! He said he would call me back…but never did!

 I was hurt by the fact that things didn’t work out between us but being disappointed became a common thing to me so, I just brushed it! Exactly two weeks later, there was a neighborhood block party going on and surprisingly, Landon showed up with Rose. He pretended like he didn’t even know who I was. I tried to pretend like I didn’t care that he wasn’t paying me any mind but, deep down it hurt so bad! I guess he could tell that I was upset and so he asked if we could go on a walk. As we walked he explained to me that he had a girlfriend now and that he and, that we could only be friends and nothing more. I agreed but I decided that if he didn’t want me for me, I would give him a reason to want me! I made my way back to the party and went to tell Rose that I wanted to loose my virginity to him! I didn’t care if he had a "so called girlfriend", I wanted to prove to him that I was better than her and that I was the best choice for him! I guess my message wasn't delivered until they got home that night because he called me later on to discuss it. I expressed what I was going to do to him and more. I sounded so confident and experienced. He was so excited but mainly, impressed! We scheduled for my virginity to be taken the next day at Rose's house at noon sharp! That next day as I was in the shower contemplating if I was really ready for this or not. I was 14 years old! What if I got pregnant? What if he doesn't leave her for me? What if we get caught? I couldn’t believe that the time had actually come. I was so scared, nervous, and young. Could I really do everything that I said I could? Did I learn enough from porn? I had so many things running through my mind, but I knew I had no choice but to do what I said I was going to do! I got dressed and made my way there. As I walked into the house, he was already upstairs waiting for me. Rose told me that he had been talking about me all night and, couldn’t wait to see me. I walked into the room and tried to procrastinate but he was ready to get straight to the point. He didn’t want to kiss me nor was their any foreplay involved! I didn’t understand why but all I can say is….It hurt! It was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. I was 14 years old for crying out loud! Nowhere near the grown woman I was pretending to be! We tried and tried again but, I couldn’t take the pain so I told him to get off of me. The look on his face was of such disappointment! I felt awful. All I could think about was how he wasn’t going to respect me for not keeping my word! I was sooo mad at myself. I told him “Since we can’t have sex, let me at least perform oral sex on you to make up for this” and that’s I did! I was apologizing the whole time then suddenly asked “Since it didn’t go all the way in, that means I’m still a virgin right? He laughed historically and replied “Yes”. To some extent I was kind of glad! After we finished messing around we walked downstairs and went to lay on the couch. As I was attempting to cuddle with him, he looked at me and said “I have a girlfriend don’t forget that.” I automatically stood up and walked home. I thought to myself “Carina how could you be so stupid! That guy doesn’t want you. He just wanted to have sex with you, don’t act like you didn’t know that!”  Thoughts such as “It’s because you’re fat that it didn’t go in. Even if it did, he wasn’t going to leave a skinny girl for you! You are stupid!” ran through my mind as I cried myself to sleep! They were tears of anger, sadness, confusion and more. The next morning I woke up to find blood all over my sheets, blood was running down my legs and had fallen onto the carpet. I was terrified! Landon told me I was still a virgin so I convinced myself that my cycle started, and it just happened to come really bad this time. I planted that in my head that and didn’t tell anyone else about it! 

Letting go of this situation was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. Every time I went to Rose’s house, I had to replay that incidence. Rose and her brothers would made jokes about it and, of course I would laugh as if it didn't bother me. That image of us trying to have sex popped up in my head everyday and, I just wanted it to go away. What was even worse was that he started coming around a lot more often after that.  We would all be sitting at the dining room table and he would made stupid remarks like “Man my girl knows how put it down, unlike some people!" I let him crack his jokes. At that moment I was just glad to have still been a I thought. 

Here's What I Learned From This Experience:

.Sex may help you get the man but, sex doesn't mean you'll keep the man. 
.YOU teach people how to treat you. 
.A man's lack of respect for you isn't because you won't sleep with him! He doesn't respect you because YOU don't respect yourself!
.If you can't put your money where your mouth is, don't open your mouth at all. 
.Never make anyone a priority who only makes you an option. 
. Don't believe everything you hear - even in your mind.
. If he's clear about it his intentions, BELIEVE HIM! 
.Just because he came back doesn't mean you were his first choice. He came back because he knew your doors were opened. 
. He's not going to pay for it if, you're giving it away for free. 
. "Experience is a brutal teacher but, you learn! My GOD do you learn!" - C.S. Lewis
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