My Life, Your Inspiration.

Wednesday, June 24, 2020

My Mom Is Worried


My parents knew that they could never and till this day, still can't pressure me into doing ANYTHING that I don't want to do! Growing up they called it "Being Rebellious" but, that's just who I was. Or should I say who I am. Now don't get me wrong, I follow the rules. I do my job even when I don't want to. I do what I NEED TO even when I don't want to. But, things like "Wear this, attend this event, date this gentleman, blah blah blah " Carina ain't the one. 

If you've read my previous blogs, by now you know that I've had a history and, all types of interesting stories with men. Majority of them "Before Jesus" and some at the beginning of my journey with Jesus. As I grew, matured and, really got a grasp of who I was, whose I was, how DOPE I was and, what I brought to the table........who I wanted, what I wanted, what I tolerated and,who I tolerated all shifted. 

Now my mom on the other hand feels some type of way about all of this. Being a typical mom(especially and African mom) she wonders why, i'm not dating. A few times she's asked me "Are you afraid of being heart broken again?" She'll ask my sisters if I'm secretly dating someone and, I'm just afraid to tell her. She's gone to great extents of playing match-maker (which have ALL failed lol) so now she thinks I'm too picky and too boujee. She literally gets upset and I mean BIG MAD when I reject any of her potential candidates or, when she later finds out that we are no longer talking! She is SOOO convinced that I'm the problem lol!

Now does mom know about everything that I've been through and done? No and she probably never will (unless somebody reads my blogs and decides to give her a call lol). Do I want to be married? Absolutely! Do I want to honor my mom? Of course! Do I want want her to stop worrying about this situation? Most Definitely! Will I let society, my mom or ANYONE pressure me into doing anything I DO NOT want to do? You Can Miss Me With All That!

Call me picky, boujee, high standards or whatever but, once you've been someone's "Something to do when there's nothing to do", it changes a lot of things. When you've laid up with men just for the sake of feeling accepted and wanted, it changes a lot. Once you've read your bible over and over again just to have a clear understanding of who you are, what's good for you, why you're here on earth..it changes a lot. Once you've cried out to GOD on how to heal, forgive, move on, accept things for what they are, and stop listening to the "You were not good enough" lies in your head...it changes a lot. When you've dealt with a lot, it changes a lot. And when YOU'VE changed a lot, you no longer accept a lot!

I constantly remind my mom that she has nothing to worry about. As a mother I understand her worries as to why I'm so content in my singleness but, as Carina Mavula I believe that "When the time is right, I The Lord will make it happen" - Isaiah 60:22 

My mom isn't pressuring me to settle down, she just wonders if it's in the back of my mind. 

I like to reassure her that IT IS but....through my lifestyle I show her that I won't wait for him to LIVE! 

And you shouldn't either!
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Saturday, May 23, 2020

Not In Public



Prior to these incidents I had a friend who always complained about her boyfriends actions and words in public compared to his actions and words in private.  I always thought she was just being dramatic. I never understood why someone would treat you differently when people were around vs. when people weren't around. I didn’t understand that until it happened to me.

I think he liked my personality more than anything. This was a routine. We talked every morning, during his lunch break he called, during my lunch break I called, as we drove home from work we talked, when we got home we did our thing and, before bed......we said our goodbyes. I had the key to his place so when he wasn’t home, I would show up and cook. I would clean and, wait for him to get home. When I wasn’t around he would tell me “Come over I miss you.” When we were together  all we did was laugh! We would dance in front of the TV. We were soooo comfortable around each other.  I had been with guys in the past who never made me comfortable enough to just BE ME! He did! I could laugh loud like I usually do! I could dance with the little rhythm that I have. I could share my dry humor jokes. I could give and receive the affection that I desired. He would thank me for letting him be THE REAL HIM at all times. Things were always good.....behind closed doors.

So this is where it got interesting. One Saturday I was at his house chillin when a few of his homeboys popped up. They knew WHO I was, I’m just not sure if they knew WHAT I was too him. When they walked in, he went from my couch to the other couch. I thought nothing of it. I went from “Babe” to “Carina”. Every time one of his friends asked me a question about us, he would change the subject before I could even answer. I thought nothing of it. When his friends left, I left as well .

The next day we were scheduled to attend a mutual friends BBQ. I arrived first and a few minutes later he popped up. I was siting at a bench with my sisters and friends when he came to greet us. He gave everyone a regular hug but, gave me a church hug. He laughed with everyone else but, kept his responses to me very brief. At some point I went to stand next to him and........he walked away. This is where I started getting upset but, it only got worse.

Though I was always comfortable with him, I didn’t (and still don’t) like confrontation so I tried avoid conversations that may lead to it. That night when we spoke on the phone I wanted to ask him why he treated me like that but, he found away to distract me and before I knew it we said goodnight and my questions were never answered.

About two weeks later we attended another event and I honestly thought things were going to be better. We laughed, drank and, somehow even ended up wearing familiar outfits. All was good until it was time for him to leave. His friend asked me to make him a to-go late so the woman in me thought “Hey let me make him a plate as well” so I did. As I brought the plate to him, I could see the rage  rising in his eyes. I said “This ones for you!” his response is how I knew! I knew that he was telling people something completely different from what he was telling me. He said “Why would you make me a plate? Did I ask you for one? Stop acting like you're my girl.” and refused to take my plate.

That night I finally talked to him about how he treats me in public and his response was “I don’t like people in my business so that’s why I have to treat you that way so no one thinks we’re together!” I said okay and, never brought it up again. 

Word on the street later on was “She wants me, I don’t want her. We’re just friends, I don’t know what she thinks we are!”

Here’s What I Learned From This Experience:

.If you can’t talk to me in public, don’t talk to me private.
. What you allow is what will continue.
. Some people can’t talk to you public because the people who they bashed you too.... are watching.
.If you let them disrespect you once, they’ll be okay with disrespecting you twice.
.There's a fine line between being private and being ashamed.
. Anyone who doesn’t find joy in showing you off, won’t!
. Be with someone, be friends with people who are PROUD TO HAVE YOU!

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Wednesday, May 6, 2020

The First Attempt






If you read my previous blog "I'm Fighting" I talk about the day "I" thought I lost my virginity. Growing up I was always told that "If you don't bleed, that means you're still a virgin!" so I lived by that. 

Here's how it really happened. The First Attempt.

I was already 14 and Rose was throwing a party for her 14th birthday party so of course I was invited! We were friends..... really good friends. We also had another mutual friend named Sunshine. At the party Sunshine and I were sitting in Rose's room watching guest make their way in. Anxious to see who was cute and who wasn’t. We both saw him but, I guess when he came in....he only saw her. I was okay with it because he honestly was cute but, not really my type. He was Rose's cousin. The whole night he and Sunshine talked and she told me they exchanged numbers. I was honestly happy for her because she was an introvert so sometimes trying to get her out of her shell felt like a full time job. They seemed to have really kicked it off that night and, I really felt like she deserved it. A few days went by and I asked her how they were doing and she replied "Girl I don't want to talk about it. Let's pretend we never met him!" I didn't think too much into it and, left it alone. I wondered what had happened but, I knew she was done talking about it. That following Sunday after church I was at home pretending to worship GOD in the mirror (honestly, I just wanted to see what I looked like when I was singing and dancing at church) then suddenly the doorbell rang and, that's where it all started.

I opened the door and it was him. The guy from Rose's party, Sunshine's man! Let's call him......Landon. I had no idea what he was doing at my house. He told me that he had seen an old comment posted by me on Rose's Myspace page from her birthday party. From what I remember the comment said something about him being fine and all that.  My guess is that he figured I was interested because of it. I automatically knew that he just wanted to have fun while he was in town but, I looked past that and decided heck why not! I figured Sunshine wouldn’t mind since she insisted on not wanted him nor talking about him anymore.  And crazy thing is, the girl code didn't even cross my mind (ladies you know that girl code!)

That entire day we talked while walking around the neighborhood. I felt so special because he was holding my hand and actually pretended like he wanted to get to know me. The rest of the day was magical and he kissed me goodnight. Ya'll know ya girl didn't sleep that night. It felt like a movie. I was smiling from ear to ear all night. It was a national holiday that following day so school was canceled so decided to spend another day together. He was staying at Rose's house so I made my way there. As we laid on Rose's bed for hours and laughed at each others joke's, I couldn't help but wonder where this was headed but , I decided to enjoy the moment. A few minutes later, Rose's little brother walked into the room where we were to inform Landon that there was a girl here for him. He got all excited and told me “Don’t get mad but this girl has been wanting to sleep with me for awhile and I told her that when I see her, she better make it happen. So I'm going to go ahead and smash her in the closet, but it's nothing. I don’t want her, she doesn’t want me, we just want to smash!” I didn't know what to say so I just said “Okay”. A few minutes later this girl walked into the room with a smile on her face as she greeted me with a "Hello". Landon got out of the bed where he was laying with me and said “I’ll be right back”. He made his way to the bedroom closet as I sat there and listened.  I didn’t know what to think. I did not want to ruin the opportunity of possibly having a man(per usual) so I just pretended that I was okay with it because I knew that he was coming back to me when he was done anyways. When they were done he came back, sat next to me and, we continued on with our conversation. He gave me his number and told me to call him.

I didn’t want to come on too strong so I decided that I would wait a few days before giving him a call. That following Friday I called and we talked all night. We laughed and got to know each other for some others then suddenly, things started getting kind of weird. He started asking me questions about certain things he had heard about me. I assumed that Rose expressed my desire for sex to him. The first thing that came to my mind was “oh my gosh maybe it was time for me to finally have sex!” So I started telling him things from what I had seen and heard from movies and the chat lines pretending like I had done all these things when I really hadn’t! I told him that I was experienced in oral sex but I was still a virgin (FYI I was not experienced in ANYTHING at this point! I was 14!). I guess me being a virgin excited him and, he said he would never make me do anything that I didn’t want to do. I was excited because he actually seemed to be interested in me. It felt good…. it felt really good! The next day we talked again and he was such in a good mood. He started the conversation with “Guess what I did today?” and I replied “What?” he said “I went out and pulled me a female today!” I was silent. It didn’t understand why he was telling me that. I thought we were talking. I told him “Why would you tell me that?” he quickly responded “Why wouldn’t I?” then he paused and out of the blue he said “Oh you know I can’t be your boyfriend right?” I didn’t reply! He said he would call me back…but never did!

 I was hurt by the fact that things didn’t work out between us but being disappointed became a common thing to me so, I just brushed it! Exactly two weeks later, there was a neighborhood block party going on and surprisingly, Landon showed up with Rose. He pretended like he didn’t even know who I was. I tried to pretend like I didn’t care that he wasn’t paying me any mind but, deep down it hurt so bad! I guess he could tell that I was upset and so he asked if we could go on a walk. As we walked he explained to me that he had a girlfriend now and that he and, that we could only be friends and nothing more. I agreed but I decided that if he didn’t want me for me, I would give him a reason to want me! I made my way back to the party and went to tell Rose that I wanted to loose my virginity to him! I didn’t care if he had a "so called girlfriend", I wanted to prove to him that I was better than her and that I was the best choice for him! I guess my message wasn't delivered until they got home that night because he called me later on to discuss it. I expressed what I was going to do to him and more. I sounded so confident and experienced. He was so excited but mainly, impressed! We scheduled for my virginity to be taken the next day at Rose's house at noon sharp! That next day as I was in the shower contemplating if I was really ready for this or not. I was 14 years old! What if I got pregnant? What if he doesn't leave her for me? What if we get caught? I couldn’t believe that the time had actually come. I was so scared, nervous, and young. Could I really do everything that I said I could? Did I learn enough from porn? I had so many things running through my mind, but I knew I had no choice but to do what I said I was going to do! I got dressed and made my way there. As I walked into the house, he was already upstairs waiting for me. Rose told me that he had been talking about me all night and, couldn’t wait to see me. I walked into the room and tried to procrastinate but he was ready to get straight to the point. He didn’t want to kiss me nor was their any foreplay involved! I didn’t understand why but all I can say is….It hurt! It was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. I was 14 years old for crying out loud! Nowhere near the grown woman I was pretending to be! We tried and tried again but, I couldn’t take the pain so I told him to get off of me. The look on his face was of such disappointment! I felt awful. All I could think about was how he wasn’t going to respect me for not keeping my word! I was sooo mad at myself. I told him “Since we can’t have sex, let me at least perform oral sex on you to make up for this” and that’s I did! I was apologizing the whole time then suddenly asked “Since it didn’t go all the way in, that means I’m still a virgin right? He laughed historically and replied “Yes”. To some extent I was kind of glad! After we finished messing around we walked downstairs and went to lay on the couch. As I was attempting to cuddle with him, he looked at me and said “I have a girlfriend don’t forget that.” I automatically stood up and walked home. I thought to myself “Carina how could you be so stupid! That guy doesn’t want you. He just wanted to have sex with you, don’t act like you didn’t know that!”  Thoughts such as “It’s because you’re fat that it didn’t go in. Even if it did, he wasn’t going to leave a skinny girl for you! You are stupid!” ran through my mind as I cried myself to sleep! They were tears of anger, sadness, confusion and more. The next morning I woke up to find blood all over my sheets, blood was running down my legs and had fallen onto the carpet. I was terrified! Landon told me I was still a virgin so I convinced myself that my cycle started, and it just happened to come really bad this time. I planted that in my head that and didn’t tell anyone else about it! 

Letting go of this situation was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. Every time I went to Rose’s house, I had to replay that incidence. Rose and her brothers would made jokes about it and, of course I would laugh as if it didn't bother me. That image of us trying to have sex popped up in my head everyday and, I just wanted it to go away. What was even worse was that he started coming around a lot more often after that.  We would all be sitting at the dining room table and he would made stupid remarks like “Man my girl knows how put it down, unlike some people!" I let him crack his jokes. At that moment I was just glad to have still been a virgin....so I thought. 

Here's What I Learned From This Experience:

.Sex may help you get the man but, sex doesn't mean you'll keep the man. 
.YOU teach people how to treat you. 
.A man's lack of respect for you isn't because you won't sleep with him! He doesn't respect you because YOU don't respect yourself!
.If you can't put your money where your mouth is, don't open your mouth at all. 
.Never make anyone a priority who only makes you an option. 
. Don't believe everything you hear - even in your mind.
. If he's clear about it his intentions, BELIEVE HIM! 
.Just because he came back doesn't mean you were his first choice. He came back because he knew your doors were opened. 
. He's not going to pay for it if, you're giving it away for free. 
. "Experience is a brutal teacher but, you learn! My GOD do you learn!" - C.S. Lewis
.
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Saturday, April 4, 2020

Oh Snap...I Got Caught!



I was tired of being the single one. I wanted people to know that I too could get a man! A FINE MAN at that! The guys I wanted didn’t seem to want me. I was always the homegirl and never the girlfriend! I was over it! I was determined to show people that I TOO CAN GET A MAN! Even if I have to recreate one!

So the “Mavula Girls” were somewhat popular in high school! Betty a Junior at this time was wanted by all the guys! She was beautiful, skinny, on the dance team, and she literally had options to pick from. NoĆ«lla a Sophomore at the time was the athlete with the bomb body! She ran track so you knowww them legs was THICK BABY, dudes wanted her too! Especially the super fine athletes. I on the other hand was the plus size Freshman who got along with everyone and all the guys knew me as the “Dope Ass Homegirl”! Funny, confident, a listening ear and relationship counselor. TRUST ME, my boldness didn’t start today! Even back then I was bold enough to shoot my shot but, the response was always “I just see you as a friend!” I was over it so it was time to do something about it.

Now during this time everyone was transitioning from MySpace to Facebook. We were all building our profiles, updating our relationship statuses and, accepting friend requests from family members, friends, teachers, etc. I started creating my profile and when it was time to update my relationship status, I proudly typed up “Carina Catherine is in a relationship with.......Allen Jaminson!”

Allen Jaminson was a tall, light skinned, tatted man that I had found on MySpace. When I found him he had multiple pictures of himself and.....his partner on his page. That’s right, he was gay. Now I don’t  remember what his real name was but, I do remember typing his name in the search box on Facebook just to make sure he didn’t already have a profile. When I saw that he didn’t, I grabbed some of his MySpace photos and created a profile for him. I changed his name to Allen, added his age, occupation, school, sent a few friend requests to random people just so his page looked legit AND....made sure his relationship status said “Allen Jaminson is in a relationship with Carina Catherine”!

The next day at school all my friends wanted to know about Allen! “Where did you guys meet? How long have you guys been together? He’s so fine! You’re so lucky!” I felt like a superstar! I finally had the man that all the ladies wanted and some even sent him a friend request on Facebook ! Now I just had to backup my previous lie with my current one. It was a full time job keeping up with the relationship. Logging out of my Facebook account just to log into his so that he could respond back to my posts and vice versa! I was so strategic about everything I did or said with this fake relationship BUT, I think I was doing a great job because people actually believed me. Well I think some did. Others had a lot of questions and, I think my answers made them question everything! Especially this one guy named “ Greg”! He was convinced that Allen wasn’t real and was determined
to call me out on my bull! I always stayed 10 steps ahead of him UNTIL....the day I left my phone on the Varsity Boys Basketball Bus. Greg was the last one to exit the bus and saw that my unlocked phone was still sitting on the seat.

A few minutes later I realized that my phone was missing but, I was a few minutes too late because by that time Greg had already did his research and had all the proof he needed to embarrass me.

The next day I went to school and a few people laughed at me and called me desperate. A few never brought it up and, a few told me that I didn’t need to do all of that. That night my Facebook relationship status was updated to “Single” and Allen’s page was taken down.


      This is what I learned from this experience: 
. Be strong enough to be the single one. Even if you’re the only one. 
.Love yourself first because that’s the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with. 
.You tell a lie once and all your truths become questionable.
.If you tell the truth, you won’t have to remember anything. 
.Your life isn’t yours if you consistently care what people think. 
.Being single is not a curse and, being in a relationship is not an accomplishment. 
.You will painfully hurt yourself by being desperate. 
.Dont be so thirsty for an opportunity that you’d drink from any cup. That’s how you get poisoned. 
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Wednesday, February 19, 2020

So She Fired Me



Let me explain the whole story! How I got the job I wanted, I got a new manager, I wasn’t her number one fan, she may have liked me as a person but, not on her team.  I wasn’t doing my best, her leadership wasn’t the best, I started having anxiety, I wanted to do better but not under her leadership, it came down to me being fired or quitting, God closing one door and, opening up MANY MORE! So grab your popcorn and get ready to read.

You ever worked somewhere where you LOVED the company but, only 60% of the people you worked with? You ever just come in, put your headphones in and work until it was time to clock out? You ever let the stresses of LIFE affect your performance at work? You ever realize that you’re just working for a paycheck but, not doing what you love? You ever had to speak in tongues before walking into the building because you already know who /what you’re about to deal with that day? Well this is what was going on since November!

In November I told my Pastors and a few close friends that I could just feel my termination coming. I’ll admit that my performance was going up and down but, I absolutely hated working under my manager. There would be days where she wouldn’t say A WORD to me as if I could be missed! Y’all where I sat, I COULD NOT BE MISSED! Did I expect her to have a full conversation with me everyday? Absolutely not but, a simple “Good Morning” goes a long way! And before you think “Well why didn’t you just say something first?” Trust I did at times  but, I truly believe that as a leader you set the tone, atmosphere, WHATEVER  for your employees. I’m also a type “I” personality so y’all know we require a little more attention and, the smallest things go a long way for us! Anyways, the week of January 6th my mind was all over the place with personal issues and, I made a few mistakes. I kind of felt like my manager was done with me but I kept working hard, asking a ton of questions and, trying to do everything I could to keep my job whether I liked who I worked under or not because babyyyyyyy.....these bills aren’t going to pay themselves! And though I still had my job, I already started looking for another one!

On January 8th my manager called me into the office, we had a pretty deep conversation and, she informed me that would do some “self reflecting” and, would let me know what she decided on Monday or Tuesday of the next week. So she pretty much wanted me to sit there for a few days while she decides whether or not she’s going to fire me. Talk about sitting on eggshells! I left work that day, went to church and, prayed. I prayed that GODs will and GODS will alone be done! I didn’t want to fight to stay somewhere God and heck MYSELF didn’t want to be anymore. The fear of not having a paycheck scared me and, I cared about that paycheck  more than I cared about my peace. ESPECIALLY since I hadn’t heard anything back from the other companies I was interviewing with.

So Monday comes, nothing happens. Tuesday comes, nothing happens. Wednesday I stop and realize that “wait a minute, there’s a log I need  to send out by Friday so there’s no way she’s going to fire me until that log is sent” and, that’s exactly what happened! Y’all  I sent that log at 10:30am and at 10:45am she called me into her office and fired me. I just smiled! She walked me downstairs, asked for a hug and, told me “Take Care”. I walked to the parking lot, got into my car and, prayed! I said “Lord you know that I am a faithful tither and partner in your house. If I don’t have a job the church may not have all the means it needs to stay open and functioning so....if ANYTHING happens to the church, I don’t want to hear about it! You told me to TEST YOU with my tithes and I did so, now it’s time for you to open up the floodgates of heaven as you said you would and, show out on my behalf !” I said “Amen” and drove to Starbucks.

A few days  went by and I still hadn’t heard anything from anyone. I refused to loose my faith and continuously reminded GOD of his word & promises. A few days later I got a call from the job I THOUGHT I wanted the most and, I was excited! I praised God right after I accepted verbally, they told me I would be starting in three weeks and, I drove to church for prayer. That night my Pastor asked to pray for me and God started speaking. He said that though I was excited about this new position, this is not the one he wanted for me and, told me not to settle. He told me it was time for me to do what I loved and, get paid a lot more than at the same time. I said “Amen” and left it alone. I started the onboarding process for this new job and guys I swear, everything kept going wrong. I had a shy bladder (which I NEVER HAVE) when I went to take my drug screen and the company didn’t want me to take another one, my background wouldn’t go through, I couldn’t take my fingerprints, like NOTHING was falling in place! I started getting worried until I remembered what GOD said so, I went online and started applying for a different type of position! A position doing what I LOVE! I applied on a Monday, had two phone interviews by Tuesday, a final interview by Thursday and, on Friday the call came through that said “The VP approved your pay rate request, we loved you and, when would you like to start?” I responded “Well I scheduled a short vacation before I applied for this position but, I can cancel it if you guys need me to start now?” the manager  responded “Take & enjoy your vacation! We will start you once you’re back & ready!” At that moment, all I could think was “The floodgates of heaven have opened!” 


Here’s what I learned from this experience: 

.Sometimes GOD  has to make you uncomfortable or else you will never move. 
.If you settle for good enough, you may miss out on GODs best for you. 
.You will never be satisfied staying where you are because you HAVE TO! Stay because you WANT TO!
.If you don’t do what you LOVE doing, you will never do it with everything in you. 
.You have to remind GOD of his promises and his word! God is not a man that he shall lie. He will do WHATEVER he says he will do! His word can not return back to him void.
.You take care of GODs house and, GOD will take care of you. 
.This obstacle was an invitation to trust GOD at another level. 
.Gods timing maybe sooner than you think . BE READY! 


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