My Life, Your Inspiration.

Monday, November 11, 2019

From Curiosity To Deliverance



So I’m not sure if you remember this talk show that aired during the late 90's early 2000’s called “The Ricki Lake Talk Show”. The show was pretty much a mixture of Jerry Springer and modern day Dr. Phil. My mom once caught us watching the show and, told us to never watch it again. That same night before she gave us these orders, the episode that aired featured two ladies who were having relationship issues and, were in desperate need of Ricki’s help. That was the first time I was exposed to a relationship that involved two woman and, that’s where my curiosity began.

Now if you read “I’m Fighting” on here, you know I struggled with pornography for years but, what I failed to mention in that post is that 89% of the porn I watched was “Girl On Girl”. The intimacy seemed different. It seemed like they really knew how to please each other and before I knew it, I became determined to sleep with a woman. Now did I want to be in a relationship with one? Not at all! I just wanted the experience. I still loved men. Still wanted to be with a man. Still loved the smell, touch, affection of a man but..........I wanted to be satisfied by a woman. I just didn’t know who would give me a chance, until I asked for a chance.

She was my manager. When we worked together I was maybe 19 going on 20. During our first day of training, she walked in with a very strong personality, a list of orders as to how she runs things and, what to expect from her. At that moment I knew I wasn't going to like her but, I just played along. As time went on she slowly started letting her guards down and, opened up to us. She constantly talked about her family, her marriage and, her sex life. I never understood why she felt so comfortable opening up to 20 random people she had just met but, who was I to judge right? With time she went from being my manger to my friend. We would have lunch together, text here and there and, often counseled one another. I’ll name her Cassie.

Cassie and I decided to grab lunch on this specific day and as we were driving, she explained to me that she and her husband would sometimes invite a friend or random female to join them in their bedroom. Now I found that to be sooo odd as I always thought intimacy in marriage was such a beautiful and sacred thing between TWO people. But.....at that same moment my mind started going crazy as I thought to myself “ This could be your chance. Shoot your shot!” That same night I was sitting in class trying to build the courage to call Cassie and ask her the big question. I finally got up in the middle of class, grabbed my phone and, dialed her number. She picked up, we laughed a bit then I said “Hey do you mind if I f***ed you sometime this weekend!” She stayed quiet for a minute then said “Yeah sure. Saturday night works for me.” I responded “okay, see you then” and walked back to class.

Saturday approached and I honestly was so nervous. I must have watched 100 videos on PornHub that day just to prepare myself. I arrived to her house, she introduced me to her kids, put them to sleep and, we went to her bedroom. Before we knew it kissing led to touching and touching led to orgasms. Ten minutes after we finished, her husband walked in and, I quickly walked out of the house. Little did I know that this would be the beginning of one of the strongest soul ties I’ve ever had.

Now what happened was that intercourse with a man after that experience stopped feeling the same. I'd be laying with a man but thinking “I wonder if he’ll get me to where she did. It doesn’t feel the same. Why am I thinking of her!” I wanted to be with my man and I KNEW I wasn’t a lesbian but, WHY COULDN'T I ENJOY SEX WITH A MAN ANYMORE! I started getting worried and knew that something wasn’t right! I started praying and at times I felt like things were getting better then, there were times where I felt as if my own prayers weren’t powerful enough to get rid of this. This soul tie became stronger than me so, I knew I needed a high power to get this off of me. I went to my pastor, confessed my sin and the deliverance process started. God did his part, my pastor did his part and, I had to do my part. I'm actually still doing my part! Though I've been delivered from that curiosity, PornHub and, her. I'd be lying if I said that this experience doesn't pop up in my mind every now and then. Believe me it does but,  instead of letting that thought control my body and how it reacts, I captivate every thought and make them obedient to GOD! That's where the true deliverance started.  In my mind.                                                                    
   

                       Here’s What I Learned From This Situation:

  • Everything is permissible but, not everything is beneficial.
  • One temporary desire CAN and WILL lead to permanent destruction if you don’t deal with it ASAP.
  • Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.
  • What you are exposed to as a kid can affect you for the rest of your life.
  • Sometimes we create our own demons by pleasing our flesh.
  • Curiosity can either make or break you.
  • You have to love yourself enough to demand a deliverance from GOD.
  • Sometimes you have to leave a curiosity AS A CURIOSITY. Not everything you think about or want, needs to be manifested. Your peace and dignity is more important than that.


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