My Life, Your Inspiration.

Sunday, August 11, 2019

Please Stop Controlling Me

Food can distract you from your problem but, food cant take your problems away.

One day when I was about eleven years old I came home from school to find dinner on the table. My mother who worked the night shift always cooked for us before leaving for work. I often had to stay after school for tutoring so, I would sometimes make it home after everyone else. On this particular day I was certain that everyone had already eaten so I grabbed a plate, filled it with the rice, beans and, the last piece of chicken. I swear I had no idea that there was one more person in the house who hadn't eaten. That person came out of the room and saw me eating the last piece of chicken in the pot. They got so upset and slammed my entire plate on the ground. They called me a "Fat A**", told me I would never get married because men don't like big women like me and, made me sleep in the garage. I sat in that garage and cried for hours. I cried until my crying put me to sleep.When my mom came home later that night she asked me" Why are in the garage and not your room?" I could see the hurt in her eyes while I explained to her what happened as we walked back to my room. Before she closed our bedroom door I said  "Mom if I knew that there was someone else in the house who  hadn't ate, I swear I wouldn't have eaten that last piece of chicken". I laid my head on my pillow, tucked myself in and, cried myself to sleep.

That situation changed my life and affects me until today.

After that situation happened I became afraid to eat around people. I often grabbed a small portion when we ate as a family, out in public and, at school. I would wait until everyone went to bed to sneak into the kitchen and grab food. I would try not to eat a lot in the cafeteria so I could stuff my food into my purse and eat in the locker room. When men rejected me I thought "Men don't like big women and that's why they don't like you!" The more men rejected me the more I ate. The more I was called "Fat A**" at home, the more I ate. The more I was being physically and mentally abused by a loved one, the more I ate. The sadder I got, the more I ate. The bigger I got, the more I ate. The more people people told me I was gaining weight and mocked me for it, the more I ate.  I ate myself to 250 pounds at the age of fifteen.  

I literally became addicted to something that ruined me.

Food became a comfort for me. I remember once being hungry and making a sandwich around 9:00pm. As I was preparing my sandwich a loved one approached me and said "And you wonder why you're so big". I quickly returned all the condiments back in the fridge, walked into my room and, cried myself to sleep.( I'm convinced that I cried so much growing up that I have no more tears left in me and, that's why I no longer cry today!) The next morning I woke up and found the sandwich on the floor next to  my bed with a letter that said "You are not fat Carina" from one of my sisters. I did not understand how someone who claimed that they loved me would say something so hurtful. (If only people understood how much words can affect you.) I wanted the pain I felt from those words to go away so I did what made me feel better, I ate the sandwich with tears running down my face. 

Guys I swear sometimes I can take control of my eating, be doing good for soooo long and, be totally proud of myself! That's until another test and trial appears. Until I get another phone call that someone passed away. Until  I get frustrated, depressed or, worried again, When any of these things occur  I automatically know that there wont be a tear falling down my face but, the number on the scale will increase.  At times I would prefer to not eat because I'm afraid I wont know when to stop. I have eaten to the point of making myself sick and, I haven't eaten because of the fear of being the next person on TLC's My 600-lb Life. This is no longer a drug to make me feel better for the moment, its become an addiction that I don't know how to stop!

But you know what I learned this go round of emotionally eating 15 pounds back after loosing 25? That yes food can distract me from my pain, but it'll also bring more pain. That when I eat the way I do, I became a slave to my body and my bodies desires will always win IF IT DON'T STOP NOW! That I don't have as much self control as I thought. That the addiction started after one situation happened but, I am seeking to heal that hurting wound inside of me with something outside of me. 

So to you reading this...... your addiction may not be food but drugs, alcohol, validation, sex, men, women, etc. Know this, you don't cure addiction by continuously running back it, you cure it by going through the recovery process and learning to be stronger than it. That recovery process will be challenging! You will relapse, you will feel lonely, people won't understand, you will have good days and bad days, but with time the bad days will become fewer. AND, you have to understand that recovery is not a race and refuse to feel guilty if it takes longer than you thought. If you can survive the stuff your addiction put you through, you can survive recovery!

So after feeling disgusting, hopeless and, defeated for the last time in my life, I have decided to put an end to emotional eating and deal with the issue that caused it from the beginning so that everything that I actually love in life, does not have to come last and, I don't have to keep starting over! 

Today is Day 1 of my recovery! What day will yours start? 


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