My Life, Your Inspiration.

Sunday, August 11, 2019

Please Stop Controlling Me



Food can distract you from your problem but, food cant take your problems away.

One day when I was about eleven years old I came home from school to find dinner on the table. My mother who worked the night shift always cooked for us before leaving for work. I often had to stay after school for tutoring so, I would sometimes make it home after everyone else. On this particular day I was certain that everyone had already eaten so I grabbed a plate, filled it with the rice, beans and, the last piece of chicken. I swear I had no idea that there was one more person in the house who hadn't eaten. That person came out of the room and saw me eating the last piece of chicken in the pot. They got so upset and slammed my entire plate on the ground. They called me a "Fat A**", told me I would never get married because men don't like big women like me and, made me sleep in the garage. I sat in that garage and cried for hours. I cried until my crying put me to sleep.When my mom came home later that night she asked me" Why are in the garage and not your room?" I could see the hurt in her eyes while I explained to her what happened as we walked back to my room. Before she closed our bedroom door I said  "Mom if I knew that there was someone else in the house who  hadn't ate, I swear I wouldn't have eaten that last piece of chicken". I laid my head on my pillow, tucked myself in and, cried myself to sleep.

That situation changed my life and affects me until today.


After that situation happened I became afraid to eat around people. I often grabbed a small portion when we ate as a family, out in public and, at school. I would wait until everyone went to bed to sneak into the kitchen and grab food. I would try not to eat a lot in the cafeteria so I could stuff my food into my purse and eat in the locker room. When men rejected me I thought "Men don't like big women and that's why they don't like you!" The more men rejected me the more I ate. The more I was called "Fat A**" at home, the more I ate. The more I was being physically and mentally abused by a loved one, the more I ate. The sadder I got, the more I ate. The bigger I got, the more I ate. The more people people told me I was gaining weight and mocked me for it, the more I ate.  I ate myself to 250 pounds at the age of fifteen.  

I literally became addicted to something that ruined me.


Food became a comfort for me. I remember once being hungry and making a sandwich around 9:00pm. As I was preparing my sandwich a loved one approached me and said "And you wonder why you're so big". I quickly returned all the condiments back in the fridge, walked into my room and, cried myself to sleep.( I'm convinced that I cried so much growing up that I have no more tears left in me and, that's why I no longer cry today!) The next morning I woke up and found the sandwich on the floor next to  my bed with a letter that said "You are not fat Carina" from one of my sisters. I did not understand how someone who claimed that they loved me would say something so hurtful. (If only people understood how much words can affect you.) I wanted the pain I felt from those words to go away so I did what made me feel better, I ate the sandwich with tears running down my face. 

Guys I swear sometimes I can take control of my eating, be doing good for soooo long and, be totally proud of myself! That's until another test and trial appears. Until I get another phone call that someone passed away. Until  I get frustrated, depressed or, worried again, When any of these things occur  I automatically know that there wont be a tear falling down my face but, the number on the scale will increase.  At times I would prefer to not eat because I'm afraid I wont know when to stop. I have eaten to the point of making myself sick and, I haven't eaten because of the fear of being the next person on TLC's My 600-lb Life. This is no longer a drug to make me feel better for the moment, its become an addiction that I don't know how to stop!

But you know what I learned this go round of emotionally eating 15 pounds back after loosing 25? That yes food can distract me from my pain, but it'll also bring more pain. That when I eat the way I do, I became a slave to my body and my bodies desires will always win IF IT DON'T STOP NOW! That I don't have as much self control as I thought. That the addiction started after one situation happened but, I am seeking to heal that hurting wound inside of me with something outside of me. 

So to you reading this...... your addiction may not be food but drugs, alcohol, validation, sex, men, women, etc. Know this, you don't cure addiction by continuously running back it, you cure it by going through the recovery process and learning to be stronger than it. That recovery process will be challenging! You will relapse, you will feel lonely, people won't understand, you will have good days and bad days, but with time the bad days will become fewer. AND, you have to understand that recovery is not a race and refuse to feel guilty if it takes longer than you thought. If you can survive the stuff your addiction put you through, you can survive recovery!

So after feeling disgusting, hopeless and, defeated for the last time in my life, I have decided to put an end to emotional eating and deal with the issue that caused it from the beginning so that everything that I actually love in life, does not have to come last and, I don't have to keep starting over! 

Today is Day 1 of my recovery! What day will yours start? 















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Wednesday, August 7, 2019

W O R D S


She was my best friend! Heck more like my sister! When you saw her, you saw me and vice versa! Now during this time I was "Faking it until I make it"! You guys already know I was dealing with low self-esteem, rejection and, so much more. But as I was saying, she was my friend! My family loved her and her family loved me! We shared clothes, shoes, makeup, heck sometimes we even shared bras! But just like normal friends we fought, got jealous, made up, got compared by other people and, more.

See to keep it real...........she was pretty but, I always thought I was prettier than her but I never understood why all the men wanted her and not me. I always felt like I had the better personality, better style and, the prettier face. Don't get me wrong, she was great but during that time I was just convinced that I was greater! She started dating a man named Words (obviously that's not his real name but, that's what we will address him by today). Words had charisma, he was funny, extremely handsome, he was fly and he knew how to get you with his WORDS! He was dating her but started calling me his best friend. We would be on the phone for hours! We would have three way calls between he, she and, I! They would go on dates and I would be the third wheel. She trusted me with Words and sometimes I wondered why. Why was she okay with us being on the phone for hours, us going to the store alone and, more. I also was okay with it until the day he kissed while we were cleaning out his garage. She was laying down in this bed room and we were in the garage. And that is where it all started!

After he kissed me, he started touching me. I got lost in the moment until I realized who it was that was touching and kissing on me. I stopped him and asked "What are you doing?" he responded with "It's you that I want!" I was confused but no lie at the same time.....I was excited! I was excited that someone of his caliber wanted an over-weight, insecure, desperate for love and attention kind of girl like me! I walked back into the house, made my way to his bedroom and, told his girl I was ready to leave. During the entire ride home I stayed quiet. I was going back and forth trying to decide rather or not I should tell her what just happened. "What will she do? Will our friendship be over? Is this going to break them up? Will I be the reason why they break up? What will people think of me?" But you want to know what else ran through my mind..."Man is he a good kisser, this could be my only chance of being in a relationship with someone that fine, he really wants to be with ME, I know he will make me soooo happy, maybe she will understand that they just aren't meant to be and we are!"

For the next few days Words called me everyday but, I refused to answer! I couldn't believe that happened! That was until he popped up at my house. He claimed that he drove out to Justin to see me but, his girlfriend and I lived in the same neighborhood so I knew that was a lie. He went on to tell me how he was prepared to drop my friend for me but, he was just waiting for the right time. I told him "I can't do that to her, shes one of my BEST FRIENDS dude!" He didn't care and kept insisting that he could make me so happy, that he could satisfy my needs, how we were going to live happily ever after and, more. It all sounded so good and I fell for it. My final words to him that night were "I won't wait forever so end that quick and you know where to find me!" A few days went by and she (my friend) asked me to join her at Words place. When we arrived I sat as far away from him as possible but we tried not to make it as awkward as it was. The three of us were so comfortable with each other that before we knew it, things got sexual between Words and her and I just sat there and watched. At one moment of their intercourse, she began performing oral sex on him and while she was doing so, he picked up his cell phone and texted me "I wish this was you instead of her!" I wasn't sure if I was supposed to feel special or disrespected!

TWO YEARS went by and he still hadn't broken up with her. We would talk on a daily bases, sneak around and I would ask "When are you going to make me yours?" and all he would say is "Soon Baby, Soon! Just be patient,  I have to do it the right way!" Now keep in mind during this time I'm still good friends with his girl. I wondered if she ever became suspicious, if she ever thought our relationship was too friendly. See what low self-esteem did was made me sooo desperate to be with a man that I threw not only my morals and values away but, my friendship as well. I became so jealous when she would be on the phone with him or when I was still the third wheel on their dates. For TWO YEARS I did this!  The next following week Words called me and his voice wasn't as bubbly as it usually is. I asked "Whats wrong?" what he responded with had my heart beating faster than it ever had. He said "She knows! I forget to delete our text messages, she saw them, so now she knows Carina!" At that moment all I wanted to do was drive to a foreign city and never come back.

The next following day at school I must have tried 100 times to not only apologize but, to explain! She didn't want to hear it! Not only did she stop talking to me, she turned the rest of our mutual friends against me as well. Life at school became a living hell! Later on that day I called Words and his phone kept going to voicemail. This happened for about three days. He was active on social media but, sending me to voicemail until the fourth day when he finally picked up. Our conversation went from "How are you doing" to him calling me desperate, saying that he never wanted me, that he knew I was vulnerable, easy and, that I would believe anything he said! He went on to say that he would never break up with her and especially not for me and I was stupid for believing that he would. Words put the blame on me and told his girl that I came on to him and he only played along because he felt sorry for me!

He literally played me!

When we hung up all I was so upset with myself! How could I have fallen for his words and become so dedicated to giving him my time, money, energy and body! Was I  THAT DESPERATE for acceptance that I was willing to jeopardize my friendship for love that didn't belong to me just to later on be humiliated and left with nothing but words!

Though this was a crazy situation that caused me my friendship and dignity, this is what I learned:
  • If the relationship has to be a secret from EVERYONE, you shouldn't be in it.
  • Never accept to live in the shadow while he figures out rather or not he's going to leave her.
  • He will never leave her!!!!
  • But if he does leave her, you enter into a world of lies. If he did it for you, he will do it to you!
  • Never forget "You reap what you sow"!



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