My Life, Your Inspiration.

Monday, November 11, 2019

From Curiosity To Deliverance



So I’m not sure if you remember this talk show that aired during the late 90's early 2000’s called “The Ricki Lake Talk Show”. The show was pretty much a mixture of Jerry Springer and modern day Dr. Phil. My mom once caught us watching the show and, told us to never watch it again. That same night before she gave us these orders, the episode that aired featured two ladies who were having relationship issues and, were in desperate need of Ricki’s help. That was the first time I was exposed to a relationship that involved two woman and, that’s where my curiosity began.

Now if you read “I’m Fighting” on here, you know I struggled with pornography for years but, what I failed to mention in that post is that 89% of the porn I watched was “Girl On Girl”. The intimacy seemed different. It seemed like they really knew how to please each other and before I knew it, I became determined to sleep with a woman. Now did I want to be in a relationship with one? Not at all! I just wanted the experience. I still loved men. Still wanted to be with a man. Still loved the smell, touch, affection of a man but..........I wanted to be satisfied by a woman. I just didn’t know who would give me a chance, until I asked for a chance.

She was my manager. When we worked together I was maybe 19 going on 20. During our first day of training, she walked in with a very strong personality, a list of orders as to how she runs things and, what to expect from her. At that moment I knew I wasn't going to like her but, I just played along. As time went on she slowly started letting her guards down and, opened up to us. She constantly talked about her family, her marriage and, her sex life. I never understood why she felt so comfortable opening up to 20 random people she had just met but, who was I to judge right? With time she went from being my manger to my friend. We would have lunch together, text here and there and, often counseled one another. I’ll name her Cassie.

Cassie and I decided to grab lunch on this specific day and as we were driving, she explained to me that she and her husband would sometimes invite a friend or random female to join them in their bedroom. Now I found that to be sooo odd as I always thought intimacy in marriage was such a beautiful and sacred thing between TWO people. But.....at that same moment my mind started going crazy as I thought to myself “ This could be your chance. Shoot your shot!” That same night I was sitting in class trying to build the courage to call Cassie and ask her the big question. I finally got up in the middle of class, grabbed my phone and, dialed her number. She picked up, we laughed a bit then I said “Hey do you mind if I f***ed you sometime this weekend!” She stayed quiet for a minute then said “Yeah sure. Saturday night works for me.” I responded “okay, see you then” and walked back to class.

Saturday approached and I honestly was so nervous. I must have watched 100 videos on PornHub that day just to prepare myself. I arrived to her house, she introduced me to her kids, put them to sleep and, we went to her bedroom. Before we knew it kissing led to touching and touching led to orgasms. Ten minutes after we finished, her husband walked in and, I quickly walked out of the house. Little did I know that this would be the beginning of one of the strongest soul ties I’ve ever had.

Now what happened was that intercourse with a man after that experience stopped feeling the same. I'd be laying with a man but thinking “I wonder if he’ll get me to where she did. It doesn’t feel the same. Why am I thinking of her!” I wanted to be with my man and I KNEW I wasn’t a lesbian but, WHY COULDN'T I ENJOY SEX WITH A MAN ANYMORE! I started getting worried and knew that something wasn’t right! I started praying and at times I felt like things were getting better then, there were times where I felt as if my own prayers weren’t powerful enough to get rid of this. This soul tie became stronger than me so, I knew I needed a high power to get this off of me. I went to my pastor, confessed my sin and the deliverance process started. God did his part, my pastor did his part and, I had to do my part. I'm actually still doing my part! Though I've been delivered from that curiosity, PornHub and, her. I'd be lying if I said that this experience doesn't pop up in my mind every now and then. Believe me it does but,  instead of letting that thought control my body and how it reacts, I captivate every thought and make them obedient to GOD! That's where the true deliverance started.  In my mind.                                                                    
   

                       Here’s What I Learned From This Situation:

  • Everything is permissible but, not everything is beneficial.
  • One temporary desire CAN and WILL lead to permanent destruction if you don’t deal with it ASAP.
  • Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.
  • What you are exposed to as a kid can affect you for the rest of your life.
  • Sometimes we create our own demons by pleasing our flesh.
  • Curiosity can either make or break you.
  • You have to love yourself enough to demand a deliverance from GOD.
  • Sometimes you have to leave a curiosity AS A CURIOSITY. Not everything you think about or want, needs to be manifested. Your peace and dignity is more important than that.


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Friday, September 13, 2019

I Blocked Them Both!


So I met him at his graduation. He caught my eye because he was the Valedictorian. From what I saw he was smart, of course he was handsome, a little hood, everyone had amazing things to say about him and, he was a gentleman. His name was "Mr. Sexy Face" 

Her name was Baby-girl. So baby girl and I became friends through another mutual friend. She was literally the girl that ALL THE DUDES WANTED! She was light-skinned, skinny, had natural long hair, small waist, big butt, beautiful eyes and, she was an athlete. Boys literally drooled when she pasted by but, laughed when I did. Honestly she was a good person and was loyal to the people she loved and cared about. Now one thing that kind of ruined baby-girls reputation was the fact that she switched from guy to guy. She didn't care what people thought or said and, I was in no place to judge  her. Baby-girl was always down for ANYTHING! 

Now back to Mr. Sexy Face. After seeing him at his graduation, I found him on Facebook and slid in his DM's. We chatted every now and then for a few months until we finally decided to meet him. I snuck out one night around midnight to meet him at my neighborhood park. Talking lead to kissing and kissing led to touching but, I stopped it before it went any further. Now Mr. Sexy Face and I weren't in a relationship but he would come around and meet my friends, family, and neighbors.  He was always respectful and, never made me do anything I didn't want to do.

So one night Mr. Sexy Face and I were in his car just hanging out and I asked him "What do you want for your birthday?" he stated "I want to see the Mavs play OKC" I said cool and the next day I purchased the tickets. It's game night and he comes to pick me up, opens my door and, drives to the game. On the way there he asks "Which team are you rooting for?" I said "OKC of course, my baby K.D. is playing" he was going for the Mavs. It got quiet for a few minutes after that conversation and minutes later he said "Let's make a bet. If your team wins, you can have something. If my team wins, I want something. What do you want?" I thought for a few minutes then said "If my team wins, you have to take me to prom." he said "If the Mavs win.........I want a threesome!" I kept my fingers crossed and prayed that he would not win this bet! Unfortunately, the Mavs made the last shot and took home a win.

I tried my hardest not to bring up the bet as we drove home but, he was wayy to excited about it! He brought up the threesome and asked who the second women would be? I responded "I'll find someone and I'll let you know!" For the next few days I searched the world and thought of who to ask to join us. No one came to mind and I really didn't want to disappoint him because I liked him. Now not that I was ashamed about the threesome but, I also didn't want people to judge me so I only told my cousin Naomie about it. We shared everything so it was hard keeping secrets from her. When I told her about it she said "Carina I don't think that's a good idea, he wont respect you afterwards!" I told her "You wouldn't understand. It's easy for you to get a man. You just don't understand!" and went back to searching for that second girl.  That next day at school Baby girl and I were having lunch then DING the threesome came back in mind and I boldly asked her to join me and Mr. Sexy Face and... she said "YES" without hesitation. A few minutes later I texted Mr. Sexy Face, we confirmed the date and location and the threesome was scheduled! 

Now as the date approached, I started getting nervous! Thoughts like "What if he likes her body more than mine, what if things go wrong, what if we both get pregnant, will this be enough for him to officially make me his girl?" ran through my mind but, I remained determined to accomplish this mission! The day approaches and Baby girl and I head to Mr. Sexy Face's place. He's cooked for us and before we knew it, the three of us were laying on his bed and things started getting heated. At some point in the middle of all of this, my biggest fear started happening......his focus, hands and mouth were on Baby girl only! It's like they forgot that I was even there. Jealously and anger quickly stirred up in me and, before the real intimacy began I said "This is over! LET'S GO!" I grabbed my things, she grabbed her clothes and, the drive to her house was completely silent. I got home and blocked BOTH OF THEIR NUMBERS!

For days I walked around the house with a major attitude and still trying to figure out WHAT HAPPENED and why my friend would do something like that to me! Like I invited YOU to join US and you take over when you KNEW how much I liked him! I felt like she tried to steal my man and prove to him that she was better than me!

After a few days of walking around upset at the world, I finally approached my cousin Naomie and told her what had happened that night and, why I was so upset! She said something that changed everything. She said "Your not mad at her for taking over that night, you're mad at yourself for being stupid enough to even give another women the opportunity to take your man! He didn't force you to have the threesome and, YOU ASKED HER to join YOU GUYS! She was just doing what she was asked to and......your jealous of her and that's why you blocked her!" I walked out of Naomie's room in tears.

If you've read this far I'm sure you're wondering if I ever unblocked them and, I did! I unblocked them both and apologized to them both. I apologized to Baby girl and admitted that I was jealous of her and, that I was just afraid that she would take my potential man. I apologized to Mr. Sexy Face and explained the reason why I actually agreed to doing the threesome. He accepted my apology and said he understood but, he never planned on being with me because he was working on getting back with his ex this whole time!.......Yeah he got blocked again and, I later found out that they kept talking!

Here Is What I Learned From This Experience:


  • Take responsibility for your actions. If you were wrong, ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG!
  • Never over-promise and under deliver. Do what you say you're going to do or, don't say it at all.
  • A man's job is to respect women but, it's a woman's job to give him something to respect.
  • Don't make an opportunity for you to get hurt, then start asking questions when you start to bleed. 
  • You are jealous because you're broken and, you're taking it out on someone who may have worked really hard to become whole!
  • DEAL WITH YOURSELF! 
  • It's better to be alone with DIGNITY than in a relationship that requires you to sacrifice your SELF-RESPECT!
  • Ohhh and never forget that some of the most DANGEROUS people come disguised as family and friends!
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Thursday, September 5, 2019

Girl He Was Fineee.....BUT



Listen, most of ya'll know my preference. Physically I like them tall, dark skinned, gotta have a beard, I would like for him to smell good, dress nice, nice smile and....a few more things. I know it's a lot to ask for but HEYYYYY the bible says "Delight yourself in the world and he WILL give you the desires of your heart!" Right or Wrong?

Well baby that's what he was! I'm going to name him (Lazy) but here is how I found out that he was and , here's why I was stupid for not realizing it sooner. 

So I was the planner at an event that Lazy attended. He sat there looking all Idris Elba in the movie "No Good Deed"! I spotted him from afar and asked my sister Betty "B, WHO IS THAT?" She responded "Girl I don't know but, shoot your shot!" See one thing about me is I'll never chase a man but, I'm also not afraid to shoot my shot. So I did just that! I approached Lazy, we exchanged compliments, exchanged numbers and, called it a night. No lie, ya girl was excited to get to know him! PHYSICALLY he was everything I listed above y'all but... I would later finally understand what "Don't judge a book by it's cover" really means! 

So a few days later Lazy called for the first time and we talked until 4:30 am and, this quickly became a routine. I remember hanging up the phone at 5:30 am and my work alarm going off at 6:30 am! I would say things like "Man I need to head to bed, I have work in a few hours" but I would never hear him say the same thing.  Majority of our conversations consisted around him asking about my occupation, business, side hustles how I managed my finances and, more. When I would ask about his occupations and more he would say "Oh I'm juggling around a few businesses at the time" then would go back to asking about me. See I didn't think too much into it until the first request for money came through! Lazy called and he sounded real stressed! I asked "What's wrong?" he responded by saying "Well my roommate forgot to remind me that rent was due and the money I had I already used it!" No lie, I stayed quiet and thought to myself "Why do you need to be reminded that rent is due!  How did you expect to stay in that apartment without paying for it?" but.....I've learned that you don't always have to say what's on your mind so, I didn't! I changed the subject and went to bed when the conversation was over. 

The next day I got a call from Lazy while I was at work so, I walked away from my desk to pick up. He proceeded to saying how he needed help with rent and promised to pay me back in a few weeks. I asked "Well how much do you need?" he said $300.00. I don't know what caused my stupid self to say yes but, I did! About an hour later he pulls up to my job to pick up the cash, apologizes and, promises to have it back to me sooner than later.  So our phone calls continued and weeks went by and I never heard about the money. A few times I wanted to ask about it but, I didn't want to make him uncomfortable so I left it alone. Now his birthday was slowly approaching and even though I had no business buying him anything because it wasn't like he was my man or anything but, I did. I purchased a few sweaters from Express and asked him to meet me for dinner. Our reservation was at 6:30, he showed up at 8:15. He came in with some sorry excuse for being late but he looked good smelled good and, I got distracted by his smile y'all! We ate, talked, I gave him his gift and, I covered the check. Call me stupid because trust me I KNOW I WAS!

So fast forward and now we've been friends, talking, WHATEVER it was that we were for about three months now and, I have yet to hear this man say he's headed to work! One day I was hanging with a friend and he texted  me saying we should meet up for dinner. I said cool and told him to pick the restaurant and, I'll meet him there. We arrive to the restaurant, take a seat I order my dinner and water while he orders the most expensive steak and three glasses of mimosa's!  When the bill came, the waitress put it in the middle of us and, this dude slides the bill over to me! I had this look on my face like "N***A ARE YOU FOR-REAL!" and that's not even the worse part! I open the bill and say "Oh that's a lot" and his dude says "Do you need help paying for it?" I responded "It's cool I got it!" and told him I had to get back to my friends house! I left the restaurant extremely furious and wondering "WHY AM I STILL DEALING WITH THIS MAN!" I mean I know he's fine and all but this ain't it chief!  I told myself "Maybe he's just going through a tough time and let me show him that I'm a good women and in due time, he should be mine. Just be patient with him Carina!" Call me stupid because trust me I KNOW I WAS! 

It's now month four of us talking or whatever it was and, honestly he hasn't really said much about us being together nor the $300.00 I loaned him. I decided to let the $300 go but, I wanted to know where this relationship was going and because I'm bold, I was not afraid to ask! I texted him saying "Hey when you get a chance, can we talk?" he responds "Yeah I was meaning to texting you. I have a major family issue and I need $250.00 right now please it's an emergency!" And you know what my STUPID self did, I zelled that $250 dollars over to him! Call me stupid because trust me I KNOW I WAS! 

So at this point I'm starting to feel used ya'll! I mean the guy acts like he likes me but barely makes time for me unless he wants something and, it seems like our conversations always end with a request from him. All of these things crossed my mind but at the same time GIRLLLL HE WAS FINE! So I decided to keep holding on and hoping for the best! 

Now I had a trip I had to take to Houston for a potential clients event. The week before the trip, Lazy asked if he could come with me sense he had never been to Houston and was free that weekend! I'm thinking "I'm sure your free every weekend!" Now usually I wouldn't travel with someone I'm that physically and sexually attracted to (because y'all know I'm trying to stay celibate) but, when I informed my clients that I wasn't coming alone, they agreed to pay for both of our separate rooms. I had already paid for my rental car so technically Lazy was taking a free trip. We head to Houston and the entire drive is amazing! We laugh, worship, he holds my hand as he drove the whole way there and, more. We finally make it to Houston and checked into our rooms. We were about 25 minutes from the city and there weren't many restaurants near us. I had a meeting with my clients so he asked me to find a restaurant that delivered nearby. Now in my mind, he's the one that's hungry so he's the one that's going to cover his own food right? I find a Chinese restaurant nearby so I call and place an order for him. I say "Hey the total is $34.00 cash or card?" you guys wouldn't believe what he responded with! He says "Okay where's your wallet?" I could feel my stomach turning! But you know what I did, I grabbed my purse, gave my card number and, told him his food would be here in 35 minutes! Call me stupid because trust me I KNOW I WAS! 

So I head to my meeting with my clients and left Lazy at the hotel. While I was out he texted me saying "Hey I have a friend who lives here in Houston and wants to take us out tonight is that okay? I said cool and told him I'd see him later. When my meeting was over I made my way back to my hotel to change and get ready for dinner. Lazy and I met at the lobby and he says "Wow my lady you look beautiful!" I smiled as we walked to the car! We arrive to dinner and everything is going soo well until the waiter arrived and said "Will this be together or separate?" See my mother once told me "Even if someone takes you out,  always make sure you have your own money and, say separate checks until they offer to pay for it" and that's exactly what I did! Oh but the look on his face when I said that! The waiter brought three checks one for me, one for Lazy and, one for his friend. As I was opening up my purse to grab my wallet, I could hear Lazy tell his friend "Hey cover this one for me please and I'll pay you back!" I just shook my head, we said our goodbyes to his friend and, the entire ride back to the hotel was dead silent! And I honestly DID NOT CARE!

Now we head back to Dallas the next day and I called my sister for advice on what to do with this EXTRA FINE but LAZY man! I explained to her all these things that had happened and told her I didn't know what to do anymore!  She said "Well maybe he's an international student and isn't able to work! OR he just doesn't know how to look for a job! OR maybe there's an issue with his documents! OR he literally could just be LAZY! But instead of assuming just ask because no offense Carina, this is ridiculous! I took her advice and came up with away to ask Lazy why he wasn't employed without hurting his feelings. We were on the phone and I said "Hey I know you want to learn more about videography, my job is looking for interns but you have to be eligible to work in the U.S. is that something you would be interested in?" With excitement in his voice he said "Oh I would love to and I'm a citizen so that won't be an issue at all!" I froze and did not know what to say after that! 

Okay so obviously my job wasn't really hiring but, Lazy really did want to pursue a career in videography and, there was a particular camera that he wanted to get started.  He had mentioned the camera to me a few times before but, also stated that it was really expensive. I don't remember what I was doing at this exact time but, a text message came through my phone from Lazy that said "Hey so I was able to find that camera I was telling you about for $500.00 I'll put $100 and you put $400 and I can purchase the camera today! When can you zelle me?" I didn't zelle him.......I blocked him and I have yet to see or talk to him since then!


If you've read this far I'm sure you're thinking "Carina WHAT THE HELL!" Yeah I think the same thing now when I look back on it. I laugh, I shake my head and I tell myself "Don't you ever try to prove to a lazy man or hell any man that you got his back if he doesn't have his own back!" 

Here's What I Hope You Learned From This Experience:

  • Never Judge A Cook By It's Cover
  • Just Because Hes's Fine Does Not Mean He Will Be The Whole Package
  • Though Actions Speak Louder Than Words, Still Listen To His Words
  • If He Asks Once, He'll Ask Again
  • Don't Spend Money On No Man Who Is NOT YOUR MAN!
  • Don't Let Loyalty Become Slavery 
  • Never Let Loyalty Make A Fool Out Of You
  • No Man Is Worth Loosing Your Self Respect & Hard Earned Money
  • If He Wants You, You'll Know! If He Doesn't, You'll Know!
  • The Only People You Owe Your Loyalty To, Are Those Who Never Made You Question Theirs
  • Make The "Blocked" Button Your Best Friend!
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Sunday, August 11, 2019

Please Stop Controlling Me



Food can distract you from your problem but, food cant take your problems away.

One day when I was about eleven years old I came home from school to find dinner on the table. My mother who worked the night shift always cooked for us before leaving for work. I often had to stay after school for tutoring so, I would sometimes make it home after everyone else. On this particular day I was certain that everyone had already eaten so I grabbed a plate, filled it with the rice, beans and, the last piece of chicken. I swear I had no idea that there was one more person in the house who hadn't eaten. That person came out of the room and saw me eating the last piece of chicken in the pot. They got so upset and slammed my entire plate on the ground. They called me a "Fat A**", told me I would never get married because men don't like big women like me and, made me sleep in the garage. I sat in that garage and cried for hours. I cried until my crying put me to sleep.When my mom came home later that night she asked me" Why are in the garage and not your room?" I could see the hurt in her eyes while I explained to her what happened as we walked back to my room. Before she closed our bedroom door I said  "Mom if I knew that there was someone else in the house who  hadn't ate, I swear I wouldn't have eaten that last piece of chicken". I laid my head on my pillow, tucked myself in and, cried myself to sleep.

That situation changed my life and affects me until today.


After that situation happened I became afraid to eat around people. I often grabbed a small portion when we ate as a family, out in public and, at school. I would wait until everyone went to bed to sneak into the kitchen and grab food. I would try not to eat a lot in the cafeteria so I could stuff my food into my purse and eat in the locker room. When men rejected me I thought "Men don't like big women and that's why they don't like you!" The more men rejected me the more I ate. The more I was called "Fat A**" at home, the more I ate. The more I was being physically and mentally abused by a loved one, the more I ate. The sadder I got, the more I ate. The bigger I got, the more I ate. The more people people told me I was gaining weight and mocked me for it, the more I ate.  I ate myself to 250 pounds at the age of fifteen.  

I literally became addicted to something that ruined me.


Food became a comfort for me. I remember once being hungry and making a sandwich around 9:00pm. As I was preparing my sandwich a loved one approached me and said "And you wonder why you're so big". I quickly returned all the condiments back in the fridge, walked into my room and, cried myself to sleep.( I'm convinced that I cried so much growing up that I have no more tears left in me and, that's why I no longer cry today!) The next morning I woke up and found the sandwich on the floor next to  my bed with a letter that said "You are not fat Carina" from one of my sisters. I did not understand how someone who claimed that they loved me would say something so hurtful. (If only people understood how much words can affect you.) I wanted the pain I felt from those words to go away so I did what made me feel better, I ate the sandwich with tears running down my face. 

Guys I swear sometimes I can take control of my eating, be doing good for soooo long and, be totally proud of myself! That's until another test and trial appears. Until I get another phone call that someone passed away. Until  I get frustrated, depressed or, worried again, When any of these things occur  I automatically know that there wont be a tear falling down my face but, the number on the scale will increase.  At times I would prefer to not eat because I'm afraid I wont know when to stop. I have eaten to the point of making myself sick and, I haven't eaten because of the fear of being the next person on TLC's My 600-lb Life. This is no longer a drug to make me feel better for the moment, its become an addiction that I don't know how to stop!

But you know what I learned this go round of emotionally eating 15 pounds back after loosing 25? That yes food can distract me from my pain, but it'll also bring more pain. That when I eat the way I do, I became a slave to my body and my bodies desires will always win IF IT DON'T STOP NOW! That I don't have as much self control as I thought. That the addiction started after one situation happened but, I am seeking to heal that hurting wound inside of me with something outside of me. 

So to you reading this...... your addiction may not be food but drugs, alcohol, validation, sex, men, women, etc. Know this, you don't cure addiction by continuously running back it, you cure it by going through the recovery process and learning to be stronger than it. That recovery process will be challenging! You will relapse, you will feel lonely, people won't understand, you will have good days and bad days, but with time the bad days will become fewer. AND, you have to understand that recovery is not a race and refuse to feel guilty if it takes longer than you thought. If you can survive the stuff your addiction put you through, you can survive recovery!

So after feeling disgusting, hopeless and, defeated for the last time in my life, I have decided to put an end to emotional eating and deal with the issue that caused it from the beginning so that everything that I actually love in life, does not have to come last and, I don't have to keep starting over! 

Today is Day 1 of my recovery! What day will yours start? 















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Wednesday, August 7, 2019

W O R D S


She was my best friend! Heck more like my sister! When you saw her, you saw me and vice versa! Now during this time I was "Faking it until I make it"! You guys already know I was dealing with low self-esteem, rejection and, so much more. But as I was saying, she was my friend! My family loved her and her family loved me! We shared clothes, shoes, makeup, heck sometimes we even shared bras! But just like normal friends we fought, got jealous, made up, got compared by other people and, more.

See to keep it real...........she was pretty but, I always thought I was prettier than her but I never understood why all the men wanted her and not me. I always felt like I had the better personality, better style and, the prettier face. Don't get me wrong, she was great but during that time I was just convinced that I was greater! She started dating a man named Words (obviously that's not his real name but, that's what we will address him by today). Words had charisma, he was funny, extremely handsome, he was fly and he knew how to get you with his WORDS! He was dating her but started calling me his best friend. We would be on the phone for hours! We would have three way calls between he, she and, I! They would go on dates and I would be the third wheel. She trusted me with Words and sometimes I wondered why. Why was she okay with us being on the phone for hours, us going to the store alone and, more. I also was okay with it until the day he kissed while we were cleaning out his garage. She was laying down in this bed room and we were in the garage. And that is where it all started!

After he kissed me, he started touching me. I got lost in the moment until I realized who it was that was touching and kissing on me. I stopped him and asked "What are you doing?" he responded with "It's you that I want!" I was confused but no lie at the same time.....I was excited! I was excited that someone of his caliber wanted an over-weight, insecure, desperate for love and attention kind of girl like me! I walked back into the house, made my way to his bedroom and, told his girl I was ready to leave. During the entire ride home I stayed quiet. I was going back and forth trying to decide rather or not I should tell her what just happened. "What will she do? Will our friendship be over? Is this going to break them up? Will I be the reason why they break up? What will people think of me?" But you want to know what else ran through my mind..."Man is he a good kisser, this could be my only chance of being in a relationship with someone that fine, he really wants to be with ME, I know he will make me soooo happy, maybe she will understand that they just aren't meant to be and we are!"

For the next few days Words called me everyday but, I refused to answer! I couldn't believe that happened! That was until he popped up at my house. He claimed that he drove out to Justin to see me but, his girlfriend and I lived in the same neighborhood so I knew that was a lie. He went on to tell me how he was prepared to drop my friend for me but, he was just waiting for the right time. I told him "I can't do that to her, shes one of my BEST FRIENDS dude!" He didn't care and kept insisting that he could make me so happy, that he could satisfy my needs, how we were going to live happily ever after and, more. It all sounded so good and I fell for it. My final words to him that night were "I won't wait forever so end that quick and you know where to find me!" A few days went by and she (my friend) asked me to join her at Words place. When we arrived I sat as far away from him as possible but we tried not to make it as awkward as it was. The three of us were so comfortable with each other that before we knew it, things got sexual between Words and her and I just sat there and watched. At one moment of their intercourse, she began performing oral sex on him and while she was doing so, he picked up his cell phone and texted me "I wish this was you instead of her!" I wasn't sure if I was supposed to feel special or disrespected!

TWO YEARS went by and he still hadn't broken up with her. We would talk on a daily bases, sneak around and I would ask "When are you going to make me yours?" and all he would say is "Soon Baby, Soon! Just be patient,  I have to do it the right way!" Now keep in mind during this time I'm still good friends with his girl. I wondered if she ever became suspicious, if she ever thought our relationship was too friendly. See what low self-esteem did was made me sooo desperate to be with a man that I threw not only my morals and values away but, my friendship as well. I became so jealous when she would be on the phone with him or when I was still the third wheel on their dates. For TWO YEARS I did this!  The next following week Words called me and his voice wasn't as bubbly as it usually is. I asked "Whats wrong?" what he responded with had my heart beating faster than it ever had. He said "She knows! I forget to delete our text messages, she saw them, so now she knows Carina!" At that moment all I wanted to do was drive to a foreign city and never come back.

The next following day at school I must have tried 100 times to not only apologize but, to explain! She didn't want to hear it! Not only did she stop talking to me, she turned the rest of our mutual friends against me as well. Life at school became a living hell! Later on that day I called Words and his phone kept going to voicemail. This happened for about three days. He was active on social media but, sending me to voicemail until the fourth day when he finally picked up. Our conversation went from "How are you doing" to him calling me desperate, saying that he never wanted me, that he knew I was vulnerable, easy and, that I would believe anything he said! He went on to say that he would never break up with her and especially not for me and I was stupid for believing that he would. Words put the blame on me and told his girl that I came on to him and he only played along because he felt sorry for me!

He literally played me!

When we hung up all I was so upset with myself! How could I have fallen for his words and become so dedicated to giving him my time, money, energy and body! Was I  THAT DESPERATE for acceptance that I was willing to jeopardize my friendship for love that didn't belong to me just to later on be humiliated and left with nothing but words!

Though this was a crazy situation that caused me my friendship and dignity, this is what I learned:
  • If the relationship has to be a secret from EVERYONE, you shouldn't be in it.
  • Never accept to live in the shadow while he figures out rather or not he's going to leave her.
  • He will never leave her!!!!
  • But if he does leave her, you enter into a world of lies. If he did it for you, he will do it to you!
  • Never forget "You reap what you sow"!



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Thursday, July 25, 2019

I M F I G H T I N G



The hardest part about tasting sin, is stopping sin. When the bible says that sex is for marriage, it knows why! Everything that GOD creates is beautiful and has it’s purpose. I just wish I would have listened to my mother when she said  "Carina wait until marriage!"

Back in 2010 I attended a church retreat that had a discussion on abstinence. At the end of the discussion they handed everyone a piece of prayer and asked us to sign it. The paper had a promise that we would wait until marriage to share our bodies ! Though I hadn't given my life to Christ yet, I wanted to do this and, follow through on what the paper said. Unfortunately I only kept up with it until 2012.

In 2012 I lost my virginity to a man I had just met 24 hours prior to because my then Best Friend told me "You can’t be the only one in the crew going to prom as a virgin"! After I laid with him, he posted a tweet on Twitter that said "Man last night I got raped by this B***h bro! I DID NOT want to F**k this hoe bro"! I remember reading that tweet and falling to my knees. When I got up off the floor I convinced myself that he wrote that tweet because it was my first time and, I just needed practice to make sure no one ever said that about me again. That next day PornHub became my addiction! I wanted to learn everything I could and within the next few months I was given another opportunity to prove myself. Before I knew it, laying with randoms became an addiction and, fighting to never have a man say that about me again was my  mission. I didn't know how to stop until I had to!

As most of you know, in 2012 I gave my life to Christ as well. But choosing to walk with Christ does not mean that your flesh stops having desires and those desires automatically go away. After I gave my life to Christ I felt as if I was cursed. I couldn't go longer than eight months without laying with a random. This cycle went on until September of 2015 when I laid with the man I was madly in love with. My heart was badly broken after laying with him and at that moment not only did I never want to have sex again, I stopped believing in love. (But that’s another story for another post.)

In September it'll be four years of celibacy. Four years of fighting. Four years of refusing to meet with men  after 9:00pm. Four years of being careful of what I listen to and watch because I'm easily triggered. Four years of begging God to give me strength. Four years of praying when it burns. Four years of telling myself "It's not worth it! It wont be worth it! The guilt will outweigh the pleasure!"

So to someone who is dealing with this same thing, you aren't alone! So many people including Christians are going through the same thing but....KEEP FIGHTING! Do not give in! It’s not worth it! Believe me when I say the guilt will outweigh the pleasure. It’s a temporary pleasure that may take longer than you think to get up from. FLEE, RUN, ESCAPE, do whatever it takes to avoid it. You know what triggers you and, you have to avoid those doors. WE ARE HUMANS! The desire will come but, be stronger than it! You’re a slave to no one and nothing! The bible says "Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit is willing but, the flesh is weak"! -Matthew 26:41

I promise you aren't alone! Lets fight together!
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Tuesday, July 23, 2019

G O O D B Y E A M O U R



I was a 19 year old girl who loved LOVE, loved weddings and, stayed up all night watching reruns of “Say Yes To The Dress”! I had no idea what a “Wedding Planner” was until David Tutera popped up on the show one day! I didn’t know where to start, how it worked, or who would actually have the courage to hire a 19 year old girl full of passion but, no experience! But someone did! A newly engaged couple named Manuella and Eddie Ruhanaa did! They gave me their idea and wrote me a check for $800.00! I couldn’t believe it! At that moment I knew this was something that I loved and wanted to take seriously so, I did! 

I did some research and wanted to be taken seriously! On October 12th , 2013 I took a two day Wedding Planning Course with Correlations LLC. At the end of the course there was a ten question test that I passed with flying colors (Thank God)! On October 14th, 2013 I became a Certified Wedding Planner! The excitement was unbelievable and mannn was I proud of myself! From then on the journey began!  Clients came from the left to the right for years! BUT .....as the business was growing, my passion was decreasing!  

In 2014 I started Styled For Christ, StyledByC, and fast forward to 2018 T H E L I F E O F C C! These are the three things that keep me up at night! These are the things that I would do without getting paid! These are the things I want to pursue! 

I’ve seen the best and the worse of weddings! I’ve seen brides breakdown, arrogant grooms, jealous and envious bridesmaids, vendors who end up being scammers, both sides of the family’s hate each other, I’ve seen myself wait until last minute to complete tasks and get overly stressed, I’ve put my own money into clients weddings, I’ve had amazing weddings and, I’ve had HORRIBLE weddings, I’ve messed up, apologized, messed up again and, apologize again! As the wedding planner I’ve taken the blame for the things my clients didn’t do and, for the things they did behind my back. As the wedding planner I’ve worried rather my clients would make it down the aisle! How would they get out of debt after the aisle. I think I’ve SEEN IT ALL! 

On May 15th, 2019 I decided that July 20th, 2019 would be my last wedding, the end of AMOUR CREATIONS and, that is why I had to close the business with a BANG! 

It’s a bittersweet moment but, I believe that everything has its season! Will I be gone forever? Only GOD knows! But for now,  I choose to focus on my real love and new passions! Styled For Christ, StyledByC, Thrifting and, T H E L I F E O F C C! 

Thank you  to all my clients who trusted us with your big day! I love you with everything in me! ❤️

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Saturday, May 18, 2019

Y O U M U S T H A V E T H E M


Did You Know That There Are Some Pieces That Should ALWAYS Be In Your Closet? These Pieces Not Only NEVER Go Out Of Style, You Can Wear Them All Year Long!

There are so many and I mean SO MANY things you can do with the pieces below. I call them your "Basic Pieces". Pieces that you can wear 100 times and, make them look like new purchases! 

But......here's the secret! YOU MUST CHANGE YOUR ACCESSORIES, HAIR, MAKEUP, AND SHOES!  

Example:  The White Button Up Top Below. Lets say on Monday you pair it with some black wide leg slacks, a black blazer, nude pointy heels, a red lip, a sleek all black ponytail and, some stud earrings. You look fabulous and, absolutely professional! Then....here comes Friday and, it's casual day at work. Take that same button up top, throw on a pair of "Ripped at the knee" dark jeans, a cheetah belt, a pair of green mules,  grab some red fringe earrings, a nude lip, keep that sleek ponytail and, no one will even know that it was the same top from Mondays look!

These "Basic Pieces" can go a longggggggggggg way I promise! 

If you don't have them, go get them NOW!


W H I T E  B U T T O N  U P  S H I R T (Fitted or Over-sized)
                                         B L A C K   D R E S S  (Fitted, Cocktail, or Bodycon)

                            
                                  B L A C K    B L A Z E R                     D E N I M  S H I R T

N U D E   D R E S S (Fitted, Cocktail, or Bodycon)

         
                    B L A C K   L E A T H E R  J A C K E T                 D E N  I M   J A C K E T                                                                         
    
              W H I T E   D R E S S                                         B L A C K   S K I R T                                            


B L U E  J E A N S                  B L A C K   J E A N S            W H I T E    J E A N S

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Monday, May 13, 2019

I T J U S T H A P P E N S


Honestly, I’m having a hard time believing that the person on the right is me! And..... I honestly don’t know why! I texted my best friend and said “I think the photo I posted on IG is false advertisement because when I look in the mirror, I don’t see someone that skinny!” She responded “IT IS YOU and, you feel that way  because you look at yourself in the mirror everyday! You were  so used to seeing yourself overweight that you’re having a hard time celebrating how good you’ve done and, how great you look!”
  And Honestly.......She’s Right!

If you did not know, this is my second time losing a drastic amount of weight, and my 1000000th time trying to keep it off! The thing about trying to loose weight is this! You work hard CONSISTENTLY for months and, you see little changes here and there. THEN, one day you wake up and the weight starts shedding off like CRAZY! You look smaller with every picture and, your clothes no longer fit! It’s a bittersweet feeling (more sweet than bitter for sure!)
Honestly at this point there is nothing I fear more than being in that uncomfortable phase that I was in  in January, February, and March! I couldn’t wear heels for long periods of time, I had some pieces of clothing that fit and some that didn’t, some people noticed it, some didn't. I was literally on an emotional roller-coaster and, I’m so glad that I’m starting to climb off! I am NOT giving up!

So if you’re reading this and are on the journey like myself, FIGHT FOR YOUR FAIRY TALE! One day the weight will just FALL OFF! It happens JUST LIKE THAT! Keep working out, drinking water, watching what you eat, and pushing yourself! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!
                  

    I T W I L L H A P P E N 
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Sunday, April 21, 2019

1 S K I R T 2 W A Y S


Anyone who knows me knows I’m a firm  believer in WORKING WITH WHAT YOU HAVE! 

That’s exactly what I did with this $8.00 Maxi Midi Skirt from Boohoo. It was long enough and Styled For Christ appropriate enough to wear as a dress and a skirt. 

When I bought this skirt, my intention was always to wear it as a skirt but, on Friday when I couldn’t find anything to wear I threw it on and, looked around my closet for a top to match it. As I kept searching, a FaceTime call came through and I quickly had to pull the skirt up so I wouldn’t be forced to answer the call in my bra. Before I knew it, I loved the way the skirt looked as a dress and in less then 4 minuets I was walking  out of the house! And here we are on Sunday with the same skirt on but, a totally different outfit! 

Moral of the story is, be creative, spontaneous, and WORK WITH WHAT YOU HAVE. There’s so much you can do with ONE piece of clothing! 

#StyledForChrist 
#StyledByC
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Friday, April 19, 2019

P R A Y F O R M E


On Monday it'll be April 22nd again. I may cry, I may not. I'm not one to cry much so I try to find others ways to cope. On Monday it'll be the 6 year anniversary of my fathers death. I'll have to relive how weird it was seeing him lay dead in his bed. How I was headed to take my first 15 minute break at work and, was stopped by my supervisor so she could inform me that my sisters were waiting for me in the lobby. I'll have to relive the pain I felt watching them put him 6 feet under.

When my father passed away, I was livid with GOD! I was about 5 months into my walk with Christ and, I was doing sooo good. I stopped entertaining the sins that I loved. I was praying, fasting, reading the word, serving in my local church and, working hard on becoming a better person. When I got the news that Pops passed I felt like everything I gave up and, everything I did for Christ was pointless. I was MAD! I was MAD AS HELL! I'm still mad! 

As Monday approaches I ask that you all would please PRAY for me. Around this time, I tend to cope the best way I know how and, that is through emotional eating. Pray that the pain in my eyes goes away. Pray that I cope the right way. Pray that I stop beating myself up for the things I didn't accomplish while he was alive. Pray that I forgive myself for giving him a hard time while he was still here. Pray that I learn to cope. Pray that I stop crying. Pray that depression doesn't win. Pray that I may find peace in my heart. Pray that I stay strong for my family.

Please Just Pray!


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Wednesday, April 3, 2019

M Y E X P E R I E N C E


I've had the pleasure of being a guest at a few weddings over the past two years. Honestly being a Wedding Planner is amazing but, sometimes we just want to sit back and enjoy the party like everyone else. But.....to be honest as a planner, you never just sit and enjoy! You pay attention to EVERYTHING! You question EVERYTHING! You say to yourself "Why did they do this, where did they get this, I like this, they could have done this, you can tell, etc."

I've had great experiences and I've had ridiculous experiences. 
Here's what I've witnessed:
  • Amazing Food/Spoiled Food
  • Full Wedding Decor/Decor-less Tables In The Back
  • Punctuality/Extreme Tardiness
  • Repeated Bridal Party Attire
  • Invitation Only/Come On In
  • Bridezillas/Arrogant Grooms
  • Extremely Long Ceremonies/Extremely Lit Dance floors
  • And the list goes on.

Your wedding is one of the most important days of your life. DO NOT TAKE IT FOR GRANTED!
Do not take the planning process for granted. Do not take your budget for granted.  Do not take the importance of organization for granted. Do not take your planner for granted. Do not think that hiring a planner is pointless. Do not add unnecessary things to the timeline. Do not think that your wedding is a competition. Do not take people's time for granted (It's Rude & Immature). Try your hardest to avoid having your ceremony & reception at different locations. Pay your vendors on-time. Pay your venue off 2 months prior to the wedding (even sooner if possible). Respect every contract you've signed. Do not get tooo turnt 24 hours prior to the wedding. PRAY from day 1 of planning until you're about to walk down the aisle. Do not pick cheap, rude, judgmental and full of excuses people to be apart of your bridal party. Tell your parents "NO"! Be honest at ALL TIMES!

Remember, you want to look back and say "It was worth every penny and we really enjoyed it"!


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Thursday, March 7, 2019

Y E L L O W


                                           
                 M O N O WITH A MIX OF Y E L L O W 

On Sunday I attended the Women's Day Extravaganza here in Dallas for Bloggers, Influencers, Content Creators and more. The overall experience was great for me as a new blogger because I got the opportunity to network with so many different women, see different types of outfits, and understand blogging in a whole different way.

Here's A Few Things I Learned:

  • Be Your Brand At ALLL Times!
  • Transparency keeps people!!!!
  • Post Consistently. You quickly loose followers when they don't see anything happening on your page. Post on your feed or on your story! Either one doesn't matter JUST POST SOMETHING!
  •  Follow people who are doing the same thing as you!
  • Hashtag often!
  • Invest in your page! Make it a mission to have a minimum of 2 photo-shoots per month!
  • The quality of your photos matter!
  • Make your blog standout! 100000000's of people are doing the same thing as you! Do something that will make yours standout!
  •  Be patient! Your page, blog, etc. WILL GROW!
This experience made me realize that I have a lot of work to do and, now I know exactly what I need to do in order to make this blog the best! I definitely look forward to attending more events like these. I'm a firm believer that in order to be the best, you must learn from the best!

       Now To The Fun Part! Details On This Yellow Magic!

I literally walked into Rainbow and said "GOD I need some inspiration, make me look fly, and I don't want to be in this store forever!" I walked around for about 3 minutes then my eyes saw something bright and, I immediately fell in love! I knew where I was going to wear this outfit, how I was going to wear it, and I made sure it was in my budget!  I can honestly say this outfit was worth every penny!

                                                             O U T F I T D E T A I L S 
  • Jacket: Rainbow -$10.00
  • Jogger Sweats: Rainbow - $13.99     
  • Shoes: Shu Deal- $9.00   
  • Shade: Rainbow - $4.99
  • Purse: Rainbow - $4.99                         
                                             
                                                   #TheLifeOfCC #StyledForChrist #StyledByC

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Tuesday, February 19, 2019

I ' M U G L Y !





"I like your hair. Wow you really are beautiful my daughter!" I smiled and replied "Thank you Dad, that means a lot to me." I think that was the first time I ever heard my Dad tell me that I was beautiful. This was about 3 months before he passed away. Those words comforted me as I cried myself to sleep last night. 

You want to talk about being transparent well here's the truth! Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror for hours and, try to convince myself that I am beautiful. Sometimes I feel like those people who told me I was ugly, that I would never get married because men don't like plus size women, that I look like I'm missing a tooth, that I look better with makeup then without it, that my ex finally gave me a story to tell because no one wants me, were actually telling the truth! Then there's days I feel like I'm the most beautiful women in the world. Like I'm okay with walking out the house without makeup on, like my gap is a beauty mark, and that somebody will be the luckiest man in the world to have me.

I was once told that words hurt and, affect more than anything. That they stick with you. That if you don't deal with the things that hurt you, those exact things will cause you to destroy everything in your life. I'm in the process of dealing, healing, and letting God reveal. I'm doing this so I don't destroy the things I have and, the things that are coming my way.  I'm the in process of dealing with myself and, my insecurities. I'm healing from the words that affected me, and I'm letting God reveal. He's revealing to me who I really am, what HE says I am, and why I am what I am.

I want to close this post off by encouraging someone dealing with this same issue or any other issue to do the same. Deal, Heal, & Let God Reveal.  D E A L: Get to the root of the issue. Figure out why it happened. Accept that it happened and, that it may possibly happen again. H E A L: Pray, Cry, Write, Stare In The Mirror, Scream, Yell, Talk To Somebody You Trust, Pray, Read The Word, Pray, Pray, & Pray! L E T G O D R E V E A L: Sit at his feet! 
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Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Printed & Affordable

       
                      L E A T H E R, V E L V E T, F L O W E R S, & S P A R R O W S!

This past Sunday I put together an outfit with pieces I picked up from my local thrift stores & more. Now of course, the pieces were bought separately and it was never my intention to wear them together. Majority of the time when I go shopping, I almost never buy a piece without knowing what I will be wearing it with. The key is this, be VERY visual! THINK!  Based on your own individual and personal style when you shop, THINK! Think of what you will wear with that purchase, where you could possibly wear it to, and is the price within your budget. If you can't answer ONE of the three, leave it at the store!

When I bought this Kimono I knew I wanted to put a button up shirt inside of it. When I bought this button up shirt I knew I waned to mix prints. When I bought the velvet skirt I knew I did not want to wear it with a black top and, when I bought these boots I knew I wanted to wear them with a skirt. I was able to answer one of the three questions in my first paragraph when I was purchasing these pieces and, that is the main reason why I bought them (Oh and because they were all so fly).

Next time you go shopping, consider everything said in this post and I can guarantee you'll kill your outfit :)

Outfit Details:
Kimono- Target $4.99
Button Up Shirt- Goodwill $2.99
Velvet Skirt- Texas Thrift $3.00
Leather Boots- Shu Deal $14.99

#StyledForChrist
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Wednesday, January 2, 2019

He Threatened Me

These shorts don't compare to my wardrobe prior to starting/becoming Styled For Christ. They say low self esteem causes you to make stupid decisions. They say it's different for everyone but mine, came with the desire to be seen and accepted. Dressing immodestly wasn't a goal of mine but, it was enough to draw the attention I craved so badly. It was enough to get compliments out of  the guys I wanted and, the guys that wanted me. Well at least I thought they wanted me. 

This is one of the photos from my senior year photo-shoot. During my senior year of high school, I found myself living a reckless life with a previous girlfriend. Almost every Thursday, Friday, and sometimes Saturday she and I would fill up the gas tank and, make our way to Da Cliff (Oakcliff TX). The streets were filled with brave men, crazy men, fine men, educated men, ex-convicts, gangstas, and more. We usually found ourselves in the same house in Highland Hills but, it's that same house that gave me the scare of my life. 

On this particular evening we walked into the house and, found the same group of men we usually found. I had on a pair of daisy dukes, a low cut tank, snow boots, and a plaid blazer. One of the regulars who usually sat on the driveway walked into the house and, demanded I go outside with him. I replied by saying "I'll come if she(my friend) comes with me!" My heart was beating, my legs were shaking, my eyes couldn't stop blinking and all I could think about, was my revealing outfit. He lit up a cigarette and said "Don't worry I aint go hurt you...yet!" He then went on to say "Because ima real n**ga, ima tell you how it is. Everytime you come into this neighborhood, you aint got no clothes on. You either showin yo a**, yo breast, or both. You think n**gas like me or any n**ga go respect you or, not think about rapin you! I dont know how old you are but, you look young even though you act grown. I know you uhh baby. Next time you come into this neighborhood dressed like you ready to be taken care of, ima give you what you askin for even if you don't ask for it. Now get out this neighborhood and, go put some d**n clothes on." I quickly made my way to the car and, balled my eyes out the entire drive home. 

(Long story short)

A few years went by and, I one day found myself back in Oakcliff. As I stepped out to pump gas, I could feel that someone was staring at me. I slowly turned my head to find that same gentleman who threatened me, looking straight at me but this time, with a smile on his face. I recognized him by the scare underneath his eye. I looked down to make sure I was fully dressed and, thankfully I was. Fear arose and I honestly, did not know what was about to happen. He slowly approached me and said "I'm glad you listened. You look beautiful." Before he was able to walk away I quickly asked "Were you really going to rape me" he replied "No, but someone else would have sooner or later." I replied "Why just because I was showing some skin?" he said "No, because of the message your outfit was sending off!" 



And that right there, changed everything!
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